The Papa I Have Yet to Meet

It's father's day today.

I greeted my father but he'll probably just "seen" my chat again, just like the old days. I got used to it already that's why it doesn't sting that much anymore. I am currently in the "very much happy and contented" phase of my life. I have mastered the art of not giving attention on things that will make me feel bad no matter how personal that is, including this. Especially this.

Yes, I found him a year ago. Through some of my professional security specialist's tricks and tools (haha), I was able to locate his Facebook account. I chatted with him for a while but eventually he stopped responding. I don't know why. Maybe he just  thought that I am not who I said I am though I totally look like his girl counterpart, minus the smirk. 

I already got tired feeling bad and just continued sending him messages whenever I feel like it just to tell him my random whereabouts. He gave me that "thumbs up" when I sent him the news that I passed Philsat along with a video of me boxing. ( I guess he likes academic accomplishments.) I can settle with that. At least he gave me a hint that he sees all my messages and is somehow interested. I think. Hopefully. Because otherwise he could easily block me.

Honestly, it doesn't matter. I am already thankful to God that I know he exists and we somehow we have this little connection. Maybe God thinks that more than that will be too much already. I have gained enough blessings that I can handle for the time being. 

                                This is my father, Papa Noy.
People say that I look most like him. We have the same features especially these little furrow lines between our eyebrows which other people show whenever they are being blinded by the sun, irritated or reacting to something nonsense. Ours is more permanent and prominent though. I used to hate it because it makes me look like I am always irritated even on poker face. Gotta love those little creases.


He lives in New York since 1992 and occasionally goes back to the Philippines to visit his hometown, Davao. He is married to a Filipina and I remain his only child. ("as far as I'm aware of", he told me once jokingly)

Aside from the face, what fascinates me also is our equal interest on different hobbies. Nanay often tells me that I got these from papa as well. He is a pianist and voila! that's where my musical interest came from. Maybe if I had grown with him, we've had so many interesting stuff explored together. I fascinates me a lot. Even the mere thought of it. A lot.

Looking at his photos, one might have concluded that this is a man who thinks that world is always good to him. Though I cannot tell if him not having a child with her wife is an option or a misfortune. It always hurts more to have and lose than to not have in the first place.

So I guess the misfortune is on me.

In this life, I have learned that some things mattered more than the truth.

Things will need to be considered on top of  other things and people always need to learn how to endure.

I guess my mother's overflowing love and affection made me more positive on our situation. Since I was a kid, I never had any feeling of hatred towards my Papa and his family. I repeatedly create possible acceptable reasons in my head as to why he left Nanay and did not take responsibility on me. 

In their world, social standing and reputation is a very important thing. 

Again, some things matter more than the truth.

And I guess maybe for them, some things matter more than flesh and blood as well.

I have learned to accept that and it is my duty to bear it.

It is weak and silly to say that I cannot bear what is my fate to be required to bear. 

Besides, I have a happy life. I earned this and I deserved this. I will not exchange this for anything.

Sometimes I think that maybe if fate veered away a little, things may be different and I may not be as happy as I am now. So I am perfectly fine with how things turned out to be.

I have convinced myself that God planned everything according to His will.

I am closer to God now than I have ever been before and my life is so much better since.

I just hope that someday God will give me a bonus and allow me to kiss and hug my Papa even just for once.